Couples who say "we" have a better shot at resolving conflicts and marital issues

By Yasmin Anwar, Media Relations 

A new study from the University of California, Berkeley, suggests that spouses who use "we-ness" language are better able to resolve conflicts than those who don't.

UC Berkeley researchers analyzed conversations between 154 middle-aged and older couples about points of disagreement in their marriages and found that those who used pronouns such as "we," "our" and "us" behaved more positively toward one another and showed less physiological stress. Marital issues are more easily resolved with a "we" attitude.

In contrast, couples who emphasized marital issues that arise from their "separateness" by using pronouns such as "I," "me" and "you" were found to be less satisfied in their marriages. This marital approach was especially true for older couples. Their use of separateness pronouns was most strongly linked to unhappy marriages, according to the study.

Moreover, the study found that older couples identified more as "we" than did their middle-aged counterparts, suggesting that facing obstacles and overcoming challenges together over the long haul, including raising families, may give couples a greater sense of shared identity.

"Individuality is a deeply ingrained value in American society, but, at least in the realm of marriage, being part of a 'we' is well worth giving up a bit of 'me,'" said UC Berkeley psychology professor Robert Levenson, a co-author of the study published last semester in the journal Psychology and Aging.

Previous studies have established that the use of "we-ness" or "separateness" language is a strong indicator of marital satisfaction in younger couples. These latest findings, however, take this several steps further by showing how powerful this correlation is in more established couples, linking it to the emotions and physiological responses that occur when spouses either team up or become polarized in the face of disagreements, researchers said.

"The use of 'we' language is a natural outgrowth of a sense of partnership, of being on the same team, and confidence in being able to face problems together," said study co-author Benjamin Seider, a graduate student in psychology at UC Berkeley.

In addition to Seider and Levenson, co-authors of the marital issues study, "We Can Work It Out: Age Differences in Relational Pronouns, Physiology and Behavior in Marital Conflict," are Gilad Hirschberger and Kristin Nelson, who conducted their research while at UC Berkeley's Institute of Personality and Social Research.

CAREGIVING IN AMERICA is a monthly magazine published by Minnesota publisher Kay Sauck, premiered in December 2009 to address the needs and concerns of the 50 million caregivers of family and friends. 

The magazine and website, www.CaregivingInAmerica.com, will draw on a stable of experts in health and aging and two organizations devoted to caregiver support: the Rosalynn Carter Institute for Caregiving and the Aging with Dignity organization.

Baby boomers may be popularly portrayed as whiners, complainers and narcissists, but a new study by University of Massachusetts Amherst psychology Professor Susan Krauss Whitbourne says the 50-somethings are getting a bad rap.

Connection to Younger Generations...Social Conscience

"It's wrong to say baby boomers are selfish and only care about staying young," says Susan Krauss Whitbourne. "They have a feeling of connection to younger generations and a social conscience."

Whitbourne's findings, based on three decades of data from two groups of baby boomers, were published in the September issue of the journal Developmental Psychology, published by the American Psychological Association.

The study began in 1966 at the University of Rochester in New York, when a group of students participated in a research project on personality development. Similar studies of successive generations of students at Rochester as well as follow-up surveys with participants in the earliest groups have yielded 34 years of information about the life changes experienced by leading edge boomers, who were in their mid- to late 50s, and trailing edge boomers, who were in their mid-40s, at the time of the most recent survey.

Boomers in Midlife

"What's most interesting is seeing what happened to baby boomers in midlife," says Whitbourne. "Some became more fulfilled, others became despairing, and yet others remained relatively stable. My research design allowed me to suggest which changes in their lives were most closely connected with a growth in fulfillment. 

• More fulfilled
• Despairing
• Relatively Stable

According to Whitbourne, the results suggest that personality growth doesn't follow a ladder model where one stage succeeds another, but more closely resembles a matrix, in which issues associated with early stages of life are continuously revisited through life.

Matrix of Early Life's Issues

For Whitbourne, the study illustrates that we are not locked into a narrowly defined life by the time we are of college age. "I've seen people overcome social deficits over the course of the study," she says. "This really shows that you don't have to give up on yourself. People can change through their entire life."

Fulfillment Beyond the Workplace

Since the last study, the boomers have found fulfillment beyond the workplace, says Whitbourne. In the 1980s, the "me generation" was working hard and making a lot of money, but something was missing from their lives. At the time, Whitbourne said the results were shaped by Reagan-era social values.

Volunteerism

By the '90s, however, the volunteerism of the Clinton years seems to have taken root among those unfulfilled boomers, she says. "There is a real concern about social well-being that goes back to the core values they developed in college."

Industriousness

Another change Whitbourne notes concerns "industry," a personality trait associated with the work ethic. The oldest boomers in the study had measured far lower on industry than other age groups in earlier surveys, but the latest data show they've caught up with their peers.

"It would appear from the present analyses that the very lowest industry scores were obtained in college from participants who, in early adulthood, had jobs with extremely low prestige," says the study. "However, they managed to exceed their peers in industry scores throughout the course of the study."

Self-confidence and Determination in Women

For midlife women, the results also support other studies that found gains in self-confidence and determination through the workplace, says Whitbourne. "It is possible that for these leading-edge baby boomer women, feelings of competence were suppressed in college, when it seemed as though their careers would play an important role in their future success," she writes.

Intimacy and Relationships are Not the Only Change Agents

The study also reinforces the idea that individuals can overcome early issues with intimacy and relationships, notes Whitbourne, and "catch up" with their psychologically more fortunate peers.

According to the data, participants who were not in a committed relationship early in adulthood showed continued gains throughout the period of the study and moved toward an increasingly favorable resolution that exceeded those peers who were in a committed relationship in early adulthood.

Later Parenting

"Enhanced development gains" were also noted for boomers who became parents after the age of 31. By waiting until their careers were established, those study participants may have been "best able to enjoy their new parenthood status to the fullest," says Whitbourne.

What Midlife Crisis?

Whitbourne says the study also lays to rest the myth of the midlife crisis. Based on the interviews and surveys, she says, "My study confirms others in the empirical literature that despite its popularity in the pop culture, the majority of adults don't freak out in their 40s or 50s."

That's not to say the study participants haven't had their ups and downs, says Whitbourne, but individuals grapple with their problems in a variety of ways. "People may experience depression in midlife, but it's too glib to write that off as a midlife crisis. Other factors must be considered."

The study is co-authored by Joel R. Sneed of Queens College, City University of New York, Columbia University and the New York State Psychiatric Institute, and Aline Sayer, visiting associate professor of psychology at UMass Amherst.

Source: Newswise

People with relatively extreme opinions may be more willing to publicly share their views than those with more moderate views, according to a new study.

The key is that the extremists have to believe that more people share their views than actually do, the research found.

Social and Political Repercussions

The results may offer one possible explanation for our fractured political climate in the United States, where extreme liberal and conservative opinions often seem to dominate.

"When people with extreme views have this false sense that they are in the majority, they are more willing to express themselves," said Kimberly Rios Morrison, co-author of the study and assistant professor of communication at Ohio State University.

Group Dynamics on Viewpoints

How do people with extreme views believe they are in the majority? This can happen in groups that tend to lean moderately in one direction on an issue. Those that take the extreme version of their group's viewpoint may believe that they actually represent the true views of their group, Morrison said.

One example is views about alcohol use among college students.

In a series of studies, Morrison and her co-author found that college students who were extremely pro-alcohol were more likely to express their opinions than others, even though most students surveyed were moderate in their views about alcohol use.

"Students who were stridently pro-alcohol tended to think that their opinion was much more popular than it actually was," she said. "They seemed to buy into the stereotype that college students are very comfortable with alcohol use."

The average student's views were near the mid-point of the scale -- but most rated the typical Stanford student as more pro-alcohol than themselves.

"There's this stereotype that college students are very pro-alcohol, and even most college students believe it," Morrison said. "Most students think of themselves as less pro-alcohol than average."

Morrison conducted this study with Dale Miller of Stanford University. Their research appeared in a recent issue of the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology.

In the next two studies, students again rated themselves on similar scales that revealed how pro-alcohol they were. They were then asked how willing they would be to discuss their views on alcohol use with other Stanford students.

Change Advocacy?

In general, students who were the most pro-alcohol were the most likely to say they wanted to express their views, compared to those with moderate or anti-alcohol views.

However, in one study the researchers added a twist: they gave participants fake data which indicated that other Stanford students held relatively conservative, anti-alcohol views.

Willing to Stick Your Neck Out?

When extremely pro-alcohol students viewed this data, they were less likely to say they were willing to discuss alcohol usage with their fellow students.

"It is only when they have this sense that they are in the majority that extremely pro-alcohol students are more willing to express their views on the issue," Morrison said.

However, students who had more extreme anti-alcohol views were not more likely to want to express their views, even when they saw the data that suggested a majority of their fellow students agreed with them.

"Their views that they are in the minority may be so deeply entrenched that it is difficult to change just based on our one experiment," she said. "In addition, they don't have the experience expressing their opinions on the subject like the pro-alcohol extremists do, so they may not feel as comfortable."

Extreme Versions of the Group's Actual Views

This finding shows that not all extremists are more willing to share their opinions - only those who hold more extreme versions of the group's actual views.

These results have implications for how Americans view the political opinions of their communities and their political parties, Morrison said.

Take as an example a community that tends to be moderate politically, but leans slightly liberal.

People with more extreme liberal views in the community may be more likely than others to attend publicly visible protests and display bumper stickers espousing their liberal views, because they think the community supports them.

"Everyone else sees these extreme opinions being expressed on a regular basis and they may eventually come to believe their community is more liberal than it actually is," Morrison said. "The same process could occur in moderately conservative communities.

The Social Change Process

"You have a cycle that feeds on itself: the more you hear these extremists expressing their opinions, the more you are going to believe that those extreme beliefs are normal for your community."

A similar process may occur in groups such as political parties. Moderately conservative people who belong to the Republican Party, for example, may believe that people with extremely conservative views represent their party, because those are the opinions they hear most often. However, that may not be true.

The Silent Majority...the Vocal Minority

Morrison said when she and her colleagues were thinking about doing this study, they had in mind the phrase about the "silent majority" in the United States, which was popularized by President Richard Nixon and his vice-president, Spiro Agnew. They referred to the silent majority as the people who supported the war in Vietnam, but who were overshadowed by the "vocal minority" against the war.

While there may not be one monolithic silent majority in the United States, Morrison said this study suggests that the minority may indeed be more vocal in some cases.

Source: Newswise

Some say that violence is part of the American psyche...but it doesn't have to be.  We need practical solutions for our stress, aggression and communication habits.  There ARE better solutions than violence.

Violence between couples is usually the result of a calculated decision-making process and the partner inflicting violence will do so only as long as the price to be paid is not too high.

Loss of Control Differs at Home and Work

This is the conclusion of a new study by Dr. Eila Perkis at the University of Haifa. "The violent partner might conceive his or her behavior as a 'loss of control', but the same individual, unsurprisingly, would not lose control in this way with a boss or friends," she explains.

Law-abiding, Normal People...Outside!

In this new study, carried out at the University of Haifa's School of Social Work, Dr. Perkis examined intimate violence based on the fact that in most cases the offending partner is a law-abiding individual living a normative life outside of the family unit. Dr. Perkis says that in most cases the couple continues living together and sustaining a shared family unit, so it is important that we learn to understand the dynamics of such partnerships in order to treat them.

Family Dynamics of Intimate Violence

First Dr. Perkis divided intimate violence into four levels of severity:

1. verbal aggression;
   
2. threats of physical aggression;
   
3. moderate physical aggression; and
   
4. severe physical aggression
   

Verbal Violence Escalates

"These four levels follow one another in an escalating sequence; someone who uses verbal violence might well move on over time to threatening physical attack, and from there it is only downhill towards acting on the threat," she explains. Dr. Perkis warns however, that the results of this study should not be correlated to cases of murder, since the dynamics between couples in such cases are different and such offenses are not included in the chain of violent acts being examined.

Solving Conflicts

The researcher found that acting on each type of violence is calculated, such that the violence constitutes a tool for solving conflict between the partners.

"Neither of the couple sits down and plans when he or she will swear or lash out at the other, but there is a sort of silent agreement standing between the two on what limits of violent behavior are 'ok', where the red line is drawn, and where behavior beyond that could be dangerous," she explains.

She adds that when speaking of one-sided physical violence, most often carried out by men, the violent side understands that for a slap, say, he will not pay a very heavy price, but for harsher violence that is not included in the 'normative' dynamic between them, he might well have to pay a higher price and will therefore keep himself from such behavior. 

Leaving or Reporting the Incident...Is a Heavy Price to Pay!

"A 'heavy price' could be the partner's leaving or reporting the incident to the police or the workplace. As such, it can be said that violent behavior is not the result of loss of control and both sides are aware of where the red line is drawn, even if such an agreement has never been spoken between them," she says.

Better Tools for Solving Conflict

According to Dr. Perkis, it is important to point out that use of violence is not a normative behavior; it is illegal, and of course, immoral. Therefore, it is only the violent partner who is culpable for the act. Nevertheless, once we understand that violence is being used as a tool for solving conflict between a couple that is interested in staying together, we can help them subdue such behavior by providing them with better tools to cope with the source of tension and conflict in their lives together.

"In couples therapy for partners who express the wish to stay together, therapy must be focused on identifying illegitimate motives, such as nonnormative tactics for solving conflict, and assisting the couple in acknowledging their ability to convert destructive patterns into effective ones and ultimately to run their lives better," the researcher concludes.

Solutions:

• Identify illegitimate motives
• Tactics for solving conflicts
• Ability to change destructive patterns into effective ones
• Run lives better
  

In interviews, the first question I get in America is always: "What do you do to stay young?" I do nothing. I don't think aging is a problem. 

What irritates me a little is growing fatter.  It irritates me that if I eat what I want to eat it shows.

Yes, my face has wrinkles. But I don't find it monstrous. I'm so surprised that the emphasis on aging here is on physical decay, when aging brings such incredible freedom. 

Now what I want most is laughs.  I don't want to hurt anybody by laughing -- there is no meanness to it. I just want to laugh."

...as told to Johanna Schneller
O Magazine, September 2009

NAHC takes the lead on addressing housing crisis
The NAHC board, during its October meeting, approved a policy of encouraging cooperative homeownership as a better way to deal with large-scale single-family foreclosure disasters. Properly established membership cooperatives have a good record of acquiring, owning and operating distressed properties, including single-family homes, on a continuing and more affordable basis.

"A Cooperative Solution," by the NAHC legislative committee
Established in 1960, NAHC and its 10 regional associations provide education, inspiration and service to housing cooperatives with well over a million families. NAHC's Board of Directors at its September 2008 meeting unanimously supported a cooperative approach to affordable housing ownership and preservation of individually owned houses faced with foreclosures.

Basic premises: Housing cooperatives provide cooperative homeownership at significantly lower cost, especially for families of low and moderate income.

Membership in NAHC offers networking, technical assistance, legislative representation, education, cooperative information and much more for the housing cooperative community. 

National Association of Housing Cooperatives
1614 King St.,
Alexandria, VA 22314
(703) 549-5201

The leading housing and community development advocate for the provision of adequate and affordable housing and strong, viable communities for all Americans particularly those for low - and moderate- incomes.

 

How would you like a coffeehouse or snack bar named for you? 

Vitalize! Wellness Centre, is a state‐of‐the‐art development that opened as part of the Ecumen community Parmly LifePointes in Chicago City, called Ruben's, named for a 94‐year‐old resident, and lifetime swimmer.  Being active in a local community brings many rewards...and a great community will use its own facilities to acknowledge achievements and inspiring people to further their mission -- including naming facilities after key residents!

The Vitalize! Wellness Centre,  features a warm‐water pool, juicing classes and rows of high‐tech exercise machines that boost a goal of helping residents to seize personal responsibility for "aging well." Ruben Berg is a prime example of that accomplishment, says Patricia Montgomery, the center's director.

She defines aging well as "live long, die short."

A 1998 book titled "Successful Aging," based on results of the groundbreaking MacArthur Foundation Study, taught us the powerful role each of us has in shaping our health and well‐being as we age.

Our genes determine only 30% of our destiny! 
The other 70 percent is up to us!

A decade after the book was published, other studies have confirmed and advanced those findings.

Most people can recite the wisdom of regular exercise, keeping weight within limits and that smoking is bad for your health, says Robert Kahn, co‐author of "Successful Aging"

He sees progress in Americans' understanding of aging well, he says. But it shows up more in what they know than what they do.  Like obesity -- it's increasing rather than decreasing.

Kahn sees too little about why people are living longer and what longer life means, he adds. "Or what a longer and productive and happy life can be."

He wants to see more information circulated about other findings, too, such as the need to challenge our brains often and in new ways to stay mentally sharp. And he'd like to see more about learning and productivity in older people's lives and less about leisure.

We get the hint :-)  So in this blog ... "Solutions for Senior Health" we're focusing on learning and productivity and healthful living!  Good behavior!

Dr. Roger Landry travels the country to educate audiences about aging well and to promote and train care providers in the how‐to of masterpiece living, a plan for successful living inspired by the MacArthur Foundation Study.

Questions remain about how to make it happen. "One is how to engage older adults. They're smart people with interesting lives." But our broader society tends to push them aside. Changing that, he says, would be a "win‐win" for people of every age.

IDEAS:  crossword puzzles and Sudoko and software such as  [m]Power cognitive fitness technology

Spirituality and Social Connectedness -- Solution for Isolation

Understanding of the value of both spirituality and social connectedness is growing, he says. "If we stay in our homes, almost by definition we stay more and 3
more isolated." Studies show that isolation heightens the risk of cancer, cardiovascular disease, dementia, falling and fractures.

"Alzheimer's disease still terrifies people," Landry says, and many aren't aware there are ways to ward it off.

Americans need to replace high levels of stress, which he calls "our national sickness," with more serenity and soulfulness.

States Are Developing Senior Communities

Cleveland (Ohio) Foundation Successful Aging Initiative (http://www.successfulaging.org), which is developing a three‐year, $4 million plan to create and maintain elder‐friendly communities in the city. Goals include creating lifelong learning and development centers and promoting employment and volunteer opportunities for older people.

Colorado,  (www.silverprintcolorado.org) is developing an independent coalition of individuals, organizations and businesses with a vision  to establish a culture for positive aging and addressing needs, contributions and opportunities for people age 60‐plus.

6 Dimensions of Wellness

• physical
• emotional
• intellectual
• social
• vocational
• spiritual

The hope is that individuals will hold onto an independent spirit. That can mean living one's passion, whether it's a long‐held one, something they've always wanted to try or a new discovery.

SOURCE:  Ecumen, "Senior Housing and Successful Aging in the 21st Century"

At the National Alliance for Caregiving's Lotsa Helping Hands website, visitors may create their own caregiving site to coordinate support needed for the caregiver and care recipient.

Most of us have experienced the crisis of a friend or loved one suddenly unable to function as they had for their family or themselves. Perhaps it's a debilitating illness, or post-surgery rehabilitation necessitating weeks or months of bed rest.

In many instances of long-term family caregiving or caring for an aging loved one, those affected must also cope with finding support for meal preparation, grocery shopping, transportation for themselves and their dependent family members.

But it is often difficult for patients and family caregivers to ask for help. And if help is offered, managing that help can be a significant part-time job: coordinating family, friends, neighbors, colleagues, and church or synagogue members who do not all know each other can be complex and time-consuming, with endless phone tag and forgotten commitments.

Private Group Calendar for Sharing Caregiver Tasks

Lotsa Helping Hands is a free caregiving coordination web service that provides a private, group calendar where tasks for which a caregiver needs assistance can be posted. Family and friends may visit the site and sign up online for a task.

The website generates a summary report showing who has volunteered for which tasks and which tasks remain unassigned. The site tracks each task and notification and reminder emails are sent to the appropriate parties.

To sign up for a free Lotsa Helping Hands account or to learn more, please visit the National Alliance for Caregiving's Lotsa Helping Hands website.

Los Angeles County has over 10 million residents, and many of these individuals benefit from the services provided by Community and Senior Services (CSS). Through many diverse programs, community and senior centers provide services that have far reaching effects, and in many cases, make a difference between positive and negative aspects in people's lives.

Every senior center or community center offers differnt programs but here is a list of some of the wide variety that just might be available in your local center of vitality:

• Alzheimer's Day Care    
• Adult Protective Services    
• Community Centers
• Congregate Meals    
• Dietary Support Services    
• Dispute Resolution Program
• Domestic Violence Services    
• Elder Abuse    
• Elder Care
• Employment Services    
• Enhance     Family Caregiver
• Health Insurance Counseling    
• Health & Wellbeing    
• Home (In-Home) Care
• Home-Delivered Meals    
• Integrated Care Management    
• Traditional Legal
• Long Term Care Ombudsman    
• Mediation Services    
• Nutrition
• Senior Centers    
• WorkSource Centers    
• Youth Services

Many senior center programs are free, and special events such as tours or trips might have a modest cost.  Call or check the website of your city and county governments to find listings of the senior centers close to you.  But don't overlook specialized programs that might be offered across town...or just a short ride from your neighborhood.  Carpooling can solve that minor problem... and bring you great riches for spirit and community!